4th June 2001
This is edited from a newsgroup posting in a subject entitled "The meaning of life", back in August 1999.
While the contents may seem a little bit scary, it was the first time I really analysed and thought about the situation described. It was kinda like an epiphany for me.
Something that would probably be really frowned upon here is to wonder how many people have actually thought of chucking it in. Does it happen to everybody at some time in their lives? Is it like a test we have to take? An event happened, that I'd rather not discuss *AT* *ALL*, and eventually I decided the situation was just too bad I'd rather walk away than try to patch things up. On my walk, I was wondering about catching a train or simply walking. So I stood on the platform and watched as the through-train to Reading clanked into view. An old diesel electric - it definitely clanked. I figured the speed of the train and calculated a position to put myself to minimise trauma to the driver. Duck down at the last moment, I'd be minced before he even knew what was happening. No head bouncing off the cab window or icky stuff like that. One thought, and one thought only, stopped me. Mom said that her friend in the police force told her it was a good initiation trick to send newly qualified cops out on calls such as that. And I figured that would be a really horrible thing to have to do, and even worse to clear up. It was incredibly selfish. There were many things I could have thought about that didn't enter my mind. That mom might be looking for me didn't cross my mind either. It is a funny thing, all logic gets twisted around until there is nothing except a driving force to do it, and do it now. You won't get another chance like this. My advice, for anybody feeling like that. Don't do it. It is a lie. You will get another chance but by the time you realise that, you will realise that you don't want it. It is an amazing thing, but even though I reckon life is 90% sucky, I think that that one single moment is when it changed. I think that I was given the chance - be a shit and end it, or be strong enough to overcome it. And at that moment, that little tiny insignificant moment that a loud (and probably hazardous) locomotive crunched though a nowhere station, that space in time... is very important. Because then, the sun came out. I didn't find God, but I think I found myself. Maybe it takes a touch of death to show us life? The odd thing is that to an outsider it always seems like the easy way out, but when you have that 'moment', such things don't even figure in the equation. FWIW, I do think it is the chicken's way out and I would have been very annoyed with myself if I had thrown myself back then. I'd, like, come and haunt myself or something. It's been... Um... Seven years [in 1999]. I can't think of many events to hold up and say "Look at what I'd have missed"; but even that is not really the answer. Some people seem to think that you need to have a stream of achievements to justify your decision to stay alive. I disagree. Strongly. I think that even ONE little tiny thing is sufficient. Smelling a raspberry-ripple coloured rose, watching an event of nature. For God's sake, being alive another day to experience it all is surely reason enough not to end it? Ladies and gentlemen, I may not understand the point of life, and I don't think I ever will. But I think I've just figured out the meaning of it. -- ___ /__/ / \ichard. Uploaded to news.argonet.co.uk at 01:54 on 10/08/1999