What is a "bank holiday" anyway? What's wrong with "public
holiday"? And why give the banks so many holidays? Its the information
revolution (apparently) yet it still takes three days to clear a cheque.
Today's exploits began when I got myself a double-speed CD-ROM drive. So into my A5000 I crawled, torch in one hand and map in the other. Out came :5 and anything linked to it. In its place went the CD-ROM drive, and a Vectra demo CD. I crawled out :0's slot, shook myself and sat down. Into :0 went a bootlegged copy of the RiscOS3.6 CD modules. When it eventually worked, it kept on saying the disc was faulty... For a few discs. Well, could be the drive or the fact the damn thing just won't work.
Just as I was plugging :5 back in again, I noticed a little red switch, about
1mm across, mounted on the ARM3 processor. Sure it wasn't there before. Well,
I grabbed my magnifying glass and looked at the switch. Under it in tiny
UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES SHOULD YOU PUSH THIS SWITCH!
And a little under that it said:
Oi! Bozo... I said DO NOT PUSH THIS SWITCH!!!
I considered pushing the switch, like one would, but further down it said:
I SWEAR TO EVERY GOD-LIKE ENTITY IN THE WORLD... YOU PUSH THIS SWITCH
YOU ARE GONNA BE SO SORRY YOU WOULDN'T BELIEVE IT!!!
Needless to say, I poked the button.
I think I wet my pants... Thermonuclear explosion.
Stupid looking font. Dissolving window image. Program manager...
I hate it when that happens. It's a Monday... Again... I've been unconscious for two weeks according to this incredible nurse. Or rather this nurse with an incredible body. And no other half to speak of. Oh yummy!
I'm allowed home, given bail and unleashed in the "care in the community" scheme. One entity not to caring and still rather upset is my A5000. It now displays an unhappy 'smilie' where the Acorn logo used to be upon start-up.
I guess we can safely say that !Paint would refuse to load those porn pictures hidden on the back of the disc... That's if the filer didn't wipe them first.
I spent two hours comforting my A5000. I even dropped a little lump of epoxy resin over the switch so it'd never get pressed again. Funny thing is, the switch suddenly vanished as soon as I packed the resin away. The A5000 did a good Michael Buerk impression and said, matter-of-factly, "Acorn were impregnated with aliens in the summer of '92. These aliens were bent on world destruction by converting everybody to the so-called 'industry standard' computer. The idea being that all the computers are fitted with real-time clocks inside to keep the time and date. But no ordinary clocks were these. They could not handle the millennium, so instead they would explode. At the stroke of midnight on the 31st of December 1999, western and far-eastern civilisation would be wiped out and the aliens could move into their new home. But Acorn are a clever bunch and a quick peek at the ARM schematics showed up this 486 emulation mode. The aliens were beaten this time, but outside the war rages on with new software and hardware for PCs, the clocks ticking away in the background ready to explode."
And then it crashed. Well spooky how it did that. Ah well, I suppose this is one of those times when you crank open a few drinks and get completely utterly and totally smashed.