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Eurovision 2018 - the Eurovision game
Well, tomorrow is the Grand Final. I will post my thoughts shortly after the contest finishes (as usual), but probably without videos as there will be many to do (I'll probably do that Sunday).
Vince tells me he will be Tweeting his thoughts as the night progresses - Vince, if you didn't watch either of the semi finals (or read my commentary), have a box of tissues for Lithuania and earplugs for Hungary.
Who will win? The bookies currently reckon Cyprus (God knows why, it's meh at best). I can tell you who it won't be...
Now, there's a game that can be played during the contest. In order to play, pour yourself a drink. If a child or non-drinker, fizzy drinks, milk, tea (etc) work just as well. Don't worry about hot drinks, they won't go cold.
During the performances
Take a sip when...
If you call the winner while the song is being performed, whatever remains of the drinks are automatically yours to enjoy.
- There's a key change
- The wind machine is switched on
- Ticker tape / confetti / little shiny things fall from the ceiling
- Take a glug if it happens while there are pyrotechnics happening
- Interaction with video effects (practical projection, inserted into the video stream (as this year), or a video wall (hello Sweden and Russia)
- The obligatory costume change
- Somebody somewhere is in "national costume"
- You (if female), your girlfriend/sister/wife (if male), your mother (otherwise) wears more than that to go to bed
- It's Greek, it's male, it's buff
- The performer has facial hair
- Take a glug if said performer is female
- You can't tell if the performer is male or female (applies separately for every performer)
- The song is clearly aimed at the pink demographic
- The song has something to do with "let's all be friends" or "world peace" (watch out for Israel and Russia here)
- Something sounds suspiciously close to getting crap past the radar ("on the motha-bucka beat")
- It's Irish and it's a ballad
- It's French and it sounds like Céline Dion
- It's from any of the countries of the former Yugoslavia and it is melancholy
- You catch a line sung in a different language (applies separately for every line, even if repeated)
- Take a glug if the entire song is in a language that isn't English
- Take another glug if you realise that it might be supposed to be English
- The song is the most awful thing you have heard and can only have been entered to ensure the country does NOT win
- The song is a rehash of the previous winner, Euphoria, or anything Abbaesque.
- It's an "ethnic song".
- Take a glug for each "ethnic" instrument you spot
- Down a mouthful if it's a crap song with a great performance
- Down a mouthful if your only reaction is a stunned "WTF was that?" (Bosnia 2008 being a reference example; as is the world's (to date) only falsetto vampire dubstep opera )
During the voting
Take a sip when:
- The United Kingdom gets a point
- Finish the glass if the United Kingdom gets douze pwah
- Neighbours clearly voting for each other (come now, you know the patterns by now)
- Douze pwah to a song you detest
- The national vote presenters try chatting up the hosts
- Take a glug if they gush about how great the show was
- Take a glug if they try saying something to the presenters in their own language
- Finish the glass if they then manage to cock up giving the results
- A result arrives which means that NO country is left on the board with null pwah.
- You can call which country will get douze pwah before it's announced
- The vote presenter (either country or one of the hosts) includes a naff "dramatic........pause"
- The country vote presenter is unavailable due to "technical reasons" (rubbish: Sarajevo managed to get through a call to Millstreet from the middle of a warzone!)
Take a sip when:
- The presenters crack a joke and you feel your entire body cringe
- The presenters are not wearing what they were wearing previously
- They refer to "The Green Room" which is neither green nor a room
- The interval act outshines everything else in the contest
- Just finish the glass if Petra Mede is involved...
- Take a glug if a song you liked wins
- ...finish the glass if it's one you predicted (up to the close of voting)
- ...and again if it's a song not sung in English
- ...and again if the song that tops the jury vote also tops the televote
Remember: Drink in moderation - you do want to make it to the end of the show, right?
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